Men of Amherst College, Please Take Off Your Pants

Listen up, men! Fashion isn’t just for women. Whether you like it or not, you have to wake up and get dressed every morning. The simple act of pulling on a pair of jeans necessarily entwines you and the world of fashion.  Just because you’re not expected to prance around in heels and dresses all day, doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the rules. So, take off your pants.

No, really— take them off and if they aren’t destroyed from 7+ years of wear and tare, donate them to Salvo. If you’ve had your pants since you started high school, please do us all a favor and throw them in the trash (or give them to a girl friend to turn into jorts).  You are strong and smart guys, but when you dress like a ten-year-old, even a very precocious ten-year-old, those qualities do not shine through.  For the most part, I think the guys are definitely out-dressing the girls on this campus. But that doesn’t mean you’re without problems, but I wouldn’t be writing about this if I didn’t see dozens of examples of guys wearing pants that are simply too short and too tiny all over campus. So don’t worry—you’re not alone.


So how are you supposed to know when your pants are too small?

1. Look in the mirror.

I know this seems obvious, but a lot of college dorm rooms either don’t have full-length mirrors. If they do have full-length mirrors, often they are not placed high or low enough on the wall for you to really examine your pants and how they fit you, especially length-wise.  So go find a mirror and check yourselves out. How do they look? If they look a little tight, chances are they’re too tight. If they look a little baggy, chances are they’re too baggy. It’s that simple.


2. Notice how they make you feel: Just because you can button them, doesn’t mean they fit.

Take a minute to think about how you feel in your pants. You want a nice tailored leg that tapers (gets a little tighter) at the knee and then comes back out at the rest of your leg.  Are they too tight around your knees or thighs? You might want to try a size up. Are they really baggy around your legs? You might want to go with a skinnier cut.  You want your pants to sit comfortably on your waist, with enough room for you to eat without feeling like you’re going to burst out of your pants, but not so much room that you’d lose your pants without a belt. Just because you can button them, doesn’t mean they fit. If they’re too tight around the waist and/or crotch, let them go.  Please guys, no one wants to see your junk on display. My innocent eyes have seen way too many versions of male camel toe on this campus—let’s try to prevent that from ever happening again.



3. Go back to the mirror.

Take a step closer. Another step closer. Okay, now look down. If you see your socks and/or ankles, we have a problem. Unless you’re skilled at dressing yourself, you should never bare your socks and/or ankles to the world. Once you become a pro, we can talk about all the fun ways to play with socks and show your ankles with cropped pants, cuffed pants and shorts. That time has not yet come. So please, buy longer pants.


But, I’m in between sizes. It’s not my fault.

I know, but it is your fault that you’re walking around assaulting people’s eyes. So go for the longer size and have them tailored—that means when you go home at Thanksgiving, ask your mom or grandmother to hem them for you. OR you can bring them to Kings Tailor Shop right in downtown Amherst and they’ll tailor your pants for you. Until you have them hemmed (shortened), you can cuff your pants once under or wear them bunched over your sneakers or boots (under the tongue)—assuming you wear sneakers or boots.

How much do I have them hemmed?

If you go to a tailor, you should tell them the length size you want. So if you’re a 33 and are forced to buy up to a 34, you should ask them to take an inch off and make them into a 33 length.  If you want to be safe, go longer by half an inch—so you’d ask for a 33 ½, just in case your pants shrink in the wash, or you happen to grow a little more.  When standing barefoot, your pants should touch the bottom of your heel, flush with the floor—so that when you put your shoes on, they don’t drag, but are also not too short.
Take me to the tailor!
Here’s a map.


 I know most guys hate shopping, so I’m going to do that for you. 

For the Everyman:

Levi’s 511 Skinny Jeans:


For the Skinny Everyman:

Levi’s 510 Super-Skinny Jeans:


For the Fashionisto:

Left to Right:

Cheap Monday Slim Chino in Clay

Cheap Monday Tight Skinny Jean in Over-Dyed Black

Burberry Skinny Cotton Chino Trouser


The Pant-mandments

  Color below thine waist is the way of the righteous. 

Be bold with color.      

If thou weareth skinny jean, thou doth not necessarily wish to lie with another man.

Skinny jeans ain’t gay.   

To clad thyself in the sweat pant is the way of the slovenly.

Sweats make you look like a slob.

Do not permit thine pants to fall like Adam and Eve from grace- let not thine ass be shown.

Don’t sag too much.