The Wonder of Wet Wipes

Though we may be in college, let’s be honest, we are never too old to discuss the age-old favorite among boys and girls alike: poop.


In this vein, when the fad of the wet wipe (in other words, baby wipes used by adults) was recently been brought to my attention by a super secret source (SSS) from the post-graduate Amherst community, I couldn’t help but want to share.

CLEARLY meant for adults...

To research this classic question, I turned to the trusty “Poop Report,” the top Google hitting, self-proclaiming “Number One Source for Number 2” (unless there is some poop website ranking somewhere I am yet unaware of…. Anyone, anyone?).

Apparently there was a push around the turn of the millennium to standardized wet wipes for usage in the average national bathroom. Proctor and Gamble and Kimberly-Clark wasted millions of dollars in advertising and product trials. As Poop Report so aptly put it, “both Proctor and Gamble and Kimberly-Clark [hoped] sphincters everywhere would know what a mountain spring smelled like.” These two companies tried to sell an oh-so-discrete, appropriately brown holder with four refill roles for $8.99.

too bad they didn't think to make it furry for particularly entertaining bathroom seshs

Keep in my mind, the only good thing that almost came from that push was that the wipes were at least on roles. Alas, that didn’t stick.

The question then becomes why this never caught on; I mean, who doesn’t want a derriere complete with the aroma of a mountain spring (hopefully we’re talking the Poland Springs spring… not the Aquafina spring).

though I can't really say cupcake scented is all too appealing.. but who asked me.

My SSS hypothesized, that the problem is not that no one uses these wipes, but that no one talks about it. He then proceeded to name numerous male counterparts who rely heavily on the trusty wet wipes, despite the potential shame of carrying around wipes in Winnie the Pooh packages, containing the word BABY somewhere in bold.

c'mon who can resist this face when they're about to use the bathroom?

The question then becomes, could I really possibly be the only one who had never heard of this bum- send?

After a little research, it became clear that the females in my immediate circle had never thought to try, but also knew of many men who relied heavily on them. Based entirely on the theory that what goes in must come out, I hypothesize that men and women most likely expel a similar amount of excrement; therefore, there is no reason why these wipes would be more beneficial for men than women.

probably time to end this

As explains (I don’t even need to tell you they’re experts… you can tell when they advise you adjust your clothing and double check your fly… I can only assume they’re used to a rollicking good time in the restroom), [baby] wet wipes:

“is an oft-ignored step to the wiping process, but one that should never be passed up. In this step, you are ensuring a fresh, thorough clean that is second only to a bath or shower, greatly reducing or eliminating any staining, odor, or itching that may occur later.”

So I can only think that there are still certain stigmas in our society that make baby wipes inherently childish. Yet they sound rather practical (though I can’t really say I dig the idea of a slick bottom). All I can think is that the drug companies may have been onto something, they were just a little too early for a proper reception.

good hygiene, assholes

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