Hangover Cures

The following is a shameless self-promoting plug: I’M TURNING 21 IN 8 DAYS! WOOOO! There are obvious benefits to turning 21. On this auspicious day I will be able to legally enter liquor stores, legally purchase any desired alcoholic substances of my choice, legally enter bars, nightclubs, casinos, strip clubs etc., legally order fancy dranks at restaurants, and legally get intoxicated. I’m getting all giddy reading this list back to myself.

I can go here in 8 days if I want to!

I’ve been practicing and preparing for this day so I can celebrate my 21st with ease, style, and perfection. While I think I’ve got the drinking part down pretty well, I still don’t have a handle on the morning after. Ah yes, the awful hangover when all you want to do is stick your head in a toilet bowl filled with ice cubes, wrap your mangled body in a faux-fur snuggie, and get a little elf to feed you perfectly fried, golden-brown potato products.

On these mornings I have several thoughts running through my head like, “How did the carefree, I’m-on-top of the world person from the evening before devolve into this wretched corpse-like being?” Or, “Why did I think it was a good idea to take those last tequila shots?” Can’t forget, “WATER, I NEED WATER.” Better yet, “How the f*** did I have the stamina to do this multiple nights in a row freshmen year?”

After the long day of waiting for the awful nausea-tinged feeling to pass I always come up with the same conclusion: “I am NEVER going to do this again, EVER!” And yet, without fail I get up on that proverbial bucking-bronco and do it again. Is it stupidity or perseverance? I’ll make that judgment call later…

This is how I feel.

However, do not fear. I have taken an informal poll (via a mass text) to find the best hangover cures out there, and I’m here to report my findings. It’s become pretty clear that my approach—rolling around on my bed and whining—is not very effective.

• My more ambitious, go get em’ friends recommend physical activity post-excessive alcohol consumption: “First, drink a big bottle of blue Powerade. And no Powerade Zero, drink the ORIGINAL. Then go for a RUN and sweat. Then shower and you are good.”

• Getting hydrated is key, water or even “sprite with ice cubes” works.

• Fried foods are a necessity: “Eat greasy food and sleep.”

• And can’t forget the classic herbal remedies: “Uhh weed?”

• My personal favorite involves full-on digestive cleansing: “Number one is take a HUGE shit. Not even kidding you’ll feel so much better. Then just drink a ton of water to get re-hydrated. Those are the main two.”

• A last-ditch option is just to get drunk all over again: “Greasy food, weed, and beer.”

Tater-tots. A must.

Well, I hope these hangover cures serve you well. I would also love to hear your suggestions so I can best prepare for my hopefully epic birthday.