Wondering where we’ve been?
I have probably put off this post as long as humanly possible, so here it goes: For the past ten days I, alongside my faithful companion, proud pantaloons (from here onwards referred to anonymously as Catherine) have been gallivanting around the UK. Well, that is not quite true. We spent our time largely in London, with a brief jaunt in Scotland. While I realize that this has left you (you meaning readership, readership meaning other shebomb writers) somewhat music-less and procrastination-less, it has enabled the pair of us to completely immerse ourselves in the British experience (experience meaning drinking, drinking meaning binge drinking). It wouldn’t be a real trip, however, unless it consisted largely of complete and utter failures – with hilarity, embarrassment, and the occasional bruised tailbone to follow. In light of this, the format of our post will be an impressively long list of selected failures over the course of our trip. Its a long one, but well worth the read. Enjoy!
I must mention that although we are now in the airport waiting for our gate information to be posted, my dearest friend refuses to help me write this (hence the shotty grammar and lack of witty and/or ironic media usage), preferring to sleep laterally on a wooden bench. As punishment for her obstinate behavior, I have snapped the following photo as proof that if you like sleep enough, you really can sleep anywhere.
Top 10 UK Fails:
10. Failure to pack any device with any sort of time telling capability
Hello Dumb America! Your cellphones won’t work over here! And, thanks to this incredible oversight, we had a multitude of planes, trains, buses, and hovercraft to catch on various days – all without any means of waking up on time. And, given that Catherine could sleep through a nuclear apocalypse, the responsibility fell squarely on my oddly proportioned shoulders. So, what possible solution could there be, other than to buy an overpriced, barely functional, hideous watch from a tourist shop in the middle of London. The watch I finally settled on looked something like this:
And, thanks to the absolute worthlessness of the dollar, I paid about $40 for that watch which, for the record, has an alarm which sounds like a canary chirping through a plexiglass window in a building the next town over.
9. Falling asleep on the beach of rocks in Dover for over an hour (without sunscreen)
The problem with drinking the night before you travel somewhere is that you might find that upon arrival, you are less able to enjoy the splendors of the land you are traveling to. Such a phenomenon occurred when we traveled to see the infamous “white cliffs of Dover”. Instead of trekking up the face of the cliff via a large rope, catherine’s brute strength, and my consistent cries of “INCONCEIVABLE,” we opted instead to fall asleep for well over an hour on the rock beaches in front of the cliffs. In dresses. Without sunscreen.
8. Going to a club full of tweens and spending the entire night with two 35 year-old married men
One of whom emailed us for the next three days trying to meet up. The other spent the entire evening explaining to me why I cannot, in good conscience, marry my gentile boyfriend. All in all a productive networking experience.
7. Doing three sake bombs at the hostel and thinking we were sober enough to continue to drink heavily
Catherine asked for another round of beer, and I brought back the third round of sake bombs. So sue me.
6. Taking a bus to Camden on a night out without paying the slightest attention to where the bus would pick us up to go home
Hint: When traveling, it is always a good idea to pay close and concerted attention to the public transportation schedules and stops. Especially when drinking. But we’re a pair of girls who like to throw caution to the wind and are theoretically okay with the 18 pound cab ride at 3 in the morning (that is really how much it costs. I know because we actually did that on a different night). So we hopped right off that #35 bus and scampered into the club, without sparing a thought as to how we were going to find it again to take us home. Catherine learned her lesson after running after a bus for 3 stops only to get waved on by the unsurprisingly unamused driver.
5. Catherine dropping falafel she had been waiting all night for
It was one of the more tragic and heart-wrenching moments i have ever witnessed. It was akin to being high off your ass. And wanting to make brownies. Only to find out after the fifty minutes it took to cook them that you thought teaspoons were tablespoons and measured the oil accordingly. Only this was worse. The. Whole. Falafel. On the ground, not one bite taken out of it. Imagine that you went to hot cheese up front and the guy at antonios just lifted up a pizza and overturned it on the muddy ground in front of your drunk and drooling face. It was horrible.
4. Inability to find the bicycle rental facility in Canterbury
See if you can follow this. Arrive in Canterbury, super psyched about renting some bikes for a countryside adventure. Pamphlet from 2007 says that the shop is by the west train station. Walk first mile to get there. Somehow have to get to the London-bound platform which is opposite our current position. Walk miles 2-4 trying to reach it. Ask inside the station – bike place has moved, guy who clearly had no idea directs us to the bus station back in town. Easy peasy (say I), thats just where we got dropped off. Walk miles 5-6 to “Coach park” and realize that this is a different lot for buses to park after they have dropped off their passengers. Walk miles 7-8 back to bus station where day started. It is now 5:00 and not only has the bike place closed, but it is not the bike rental place, just some store that sells bicycles. Womp womp. On a lighter note, it forced Catherine’s hand into letting me go shopping – which I count as a win.
3. Letting men buy us drinks
Sounds like a good idea? Wrong! Well, no, it was sometimes cool. But mostly HORRIBLE. Who thought it was appropriate to feed Catherine pints of Guinness with SHOTS of vodka slipped in them? Why did this tiny pretentious man (who kept squeezing my face, which makes me want to punch babies and slash tires) buy me a BRANDY and coke? Last time we tell someone to “surprise us” when inquiring about my drink order.
2. Catherine bruising her ass falling down not one, but two flights of stairs in the middle of a bar
I personally still think this one was quite funny. We were at a foam party after all. But I’m pretty sure she bruised something or other down there. But she was a trooper and stayed standing the rest of the night and complained only minimally for the rest of the trip. (See Catherine, I ruv roo).
1. Staying up until the sun came up the night before leaving for Scotland
I’ve never felt more like the walking dead then I did the morning we woke up at 7 after falling asleep at 4:45ish….aka when the birds had started chirping. Someone was leaving for the airport when I walked slash crawled up the stairs with my sheepish grin, eyes half shut, and jager-covered outfit. I had coerced the morning-shift employee of the hostel to wake me up in case we missed our alarm (we did) and I think I scared him half to death when he reached from halfway across the room to gingerly tap the my bed post, only to catch a glimpse of me rolling over to give him a little sultry wave to let him know just how awake I was at that moment.
In short, if we can return from the UK alive, so can anyone!
All the best,