Hi, welcome to Amherst College, population way too fucking small for you to get away with embarrassing things anonymously. Here at sheBOMB, we feel your pain. I, too, have done embarrassing things, but never, NEVER, have I ever told someone that I never met, “I want to do things to you two I couldn’t do to barnyard animals.”
Yes. My friend. and fellow sheBOMBer. and I. We were dancing. Happily. Innocently. UNTIL! some scumbag (who shall remain nameless because sheBOMB is a respectable institution!) came up to the two of us and repeated the line, the infamous line that leaves little piggies and sweet baby chicks forever dirty and defamed in MY MIND.
Seriously though, all hyperbole aside, I HATE it when guys pull this shit. maybe it’s funny for you, but it ruins my night. After one guy says that to me, I feel like every guy on the dance floor is looking at me like some piece of meat–I wanna sprint back to my room and find my Mother Teresa outfit just so people won’t look at my shoulder bones and knee caps. I was–well, sick of it. Why does my night have to be ruined because some guy feels entitled enough to say whatever he wants to me? So I told him off, of course, and told him he should be ashamed for the way he verbally vomited his sexual desire onto me and my friend.
Well of course the saga didn’t end there. I was still on the dancefloor (rocking out at a tent party, I already miss tent parties! *sigh*). 20 mins or so later, True Culprit was dancing with his friends in my close proximity. I turned to him, “you should be ashamed to even show your face to me. What the hell are you doing near me? After you told me you wanted to fuck me like a barnyard animal, I would think you’d hide your face in SHAME at the sight of me!!” He calmly informed me “I told you I wanted to do things to you I couldn’t do to a barnyard animal.” IS THIS GUY A PSYCHOPATH?! HOW CAN YOU REMAIN CALM IN THE FACE OF SUCH OVERBEARING SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS??!!??!?!?!?!?
I was upset, and I told Boyfriend. Boyfriend made me point him out. I pointed out (get ready for it) the wrong guy. Large, scary Boyfriend yelled at Falsely Accused for 20 mins. (with great intensity). I saw True Culprit. Fuck. I spent five minutes trying to coax Boyfriend away from the Falsely Accused to explain my mishap. Boyfriend immediately switches to attack mode on True Culprit. Meanwhile Falsely Accused apologized to me that some men were so disgusting (why is he so nice? why wouldn’t he just hate me a little for fucking with his night?)
Boyfriend told True Culprit, “hey hear you have a sweet pick-up line, saw you telling it to that girl.”
True Culprit admitted to his true crime!* Then came a Knight on his shining-white-four-door-amherst-police-car-steed: OFFICER LENART. He made True Culprit REPEAT WHAT HE HAD SAID TO ME AND APOLOGIZE! BOOM FEMINISM! YAY MALE FEMINISTS WHO HELPED ME PUBLICLY SHAME TRUE CULPRIT AS HE DESERVED! all True Culprit had to defend himself, “It’s worked before…” ew. not. an. excuse.
Warning: there are some seriously Misogynistic men out there who want to diarrhea their sexual desires onto dance floor women and men.
Warning to those with loose verbal bowels: there are also brave men and women who are now beginning to publicly shame you!!
I declare victory!
*alleged “finger biting” may or may not have occurred at this time.