always carry a hammer…

We always do stupid things drunk, right? Well Amherst, we can’t just let these stupid things sink into the abyss of our alcohol damaged memories. No. we must commemorate them. forever. in the most established institution known to man: the internet. To inaugurate the “drunk story of the week” column, we have the She-Bomb.com nominee for craziest Saturday night story at Amherst College–a nomination that can be considered an open and shut case to be sure (pun definitely intended).

Last night, a senior Spring Formal-goer (known in this piece as Mitchell Charles Kennedy Smoot, aka MCKS) drunkenly strolled back into his suite and went on a tear through the common space, throwing around miscellaneous items with an intensity and ferocity unseen since the climax of Jurassic Park 4. After disposing leftover apple pie fragments on the hallway of his suite (and smooshing them into the ground making everything as sticky and impossible to clean as possible), the MCKS began spraying various toiletries, namely lotion, all over his fellow suitemate’s room and clothing (note: also excessively sticky and difficult to clean). Upon returning to a disheveled suite and his newly lubricated dorm room, the victim of MCKS sought retribution and achieved it by wildly hacking at the lotion-loving wrong-doer’s doorknob with a hammer. After multiple swings, the retaliator managed to separate the doorknob from the door completely, locking this mess-making senior into his room. MCKS was forced to yell for his other suitemates’ help, and yell he did, much to everyone’s chagrin. Two innocent bystanders, just trying to enjoy their evening were being assaulted by MCKS’ harrowing cries. They didn’t really feel like helping, but what else could they do with such an abrasive noise polluting their sound field. They tried for quite some time to free the MCKS (and stop his drunken screech). Eventually, they tried to enlist the help of Campus Police. (who were just as helpful as ever–meaning they didn’t help at all). After the police heard that one of the bystanders managed to dislodge the entire doorknob, they came anyway, 45 minutes late, just to sneer at the college students. The story has a clear moral: When your suitemate messes with your personal items, defacing their door is the only true form of revenge. Keep a hammer handy.